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Saturday, September 15, 2007
i am tired. i am ready to give up. i do not think it's fair that it is so hard for me to feel happy. using logic, i arrive at a place where i am happy with my life, at least on a theoretical level. and certainly i feel happy in certain moments. but i honestly believe that until i am finally in the relationship that is right for me, most of my life will be an emotional struggle. the struggle to not allow feeling lonely, uncertain about my own worth, inadequate, or anxious to stop me from getting to the next place, achieving the next goal, rising above.
but really. honestly. i feel i have no basis to ascertain my worth as human being without being loved. i wish it was not like that. i wish that i knew how to back up, how to let God be enough. but i have not mastered that. not at all. i HATE being single. i want to have a safe place with someone else. a place i can go to and not have fear about saying the wrong thing. about shocking anybody. about being misunderstood and not being asked to clarify. about reputation. i feel a desperation in that desire that is sickeningly constant. it does not peak. there are no valleys. it is just a constant itch, a dull ache. i want to be able to say everything important to someone out loud. i want him to say everything important back to me. i want to feel safe and to make a safe place for someone else.
i do not know how to take all of these feelings and make them into something constructive.
so i'm kissing someone and it's nice. but i know it doesn't work in the end and that makes it stupid.
i give up. i give up i give up i give up.
* posted by claire * 9:59 PM
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