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Tuesday, July 31, 2007
i am doing it again. finding myself on the verge of shutting down. it freaks me out. i want to be an optimist. i want to be hopeful. i don't want to be selfish. i want to be stable. but disappointment after disappointment and this sinking in the pit of my stomach where the natural inclination toward anticipating good things is disappearing.
i start to believe that no one could really love me like i am. that life will go much better for me if i dramatically lower my expectations now. but that thought is so sickening. that what i dream of and wish for may be impossible drains all my motivation. i MUST believe it can happen: i CAN change the world! i CAN make a difference! someone WILL love me! i WILL have a family and a job and security and romance and purpose and an ear that learns to hear God's whisperings! i MUST!
but today i don't feel like i can.
* posted by claire * 7:57 AM
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