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Wednesday, June 23, 2004
so, my boyfriend is selfish. at least i think he is. he seems to think that whether or not our relationship is meant to be depends mostly on how much i'm satisfying him and not making his life difficult. i do my best. i just have been feeling rather empty lately. and when i talk to him, i tend not to be on guard. i think that's good. but it means that sometimes i say things i shouldn't. i just don't understand why we end up fighting so much. it's because neither of us is mature enough for a relationship. i do not love him how i should. i do care about him, but i care far more about myself. i just think he is the same way. i wonder if he recognizes that or could admit it. he's just pretty easy to satisfy most of the time, so it hadn't been an issue until recently. and now everything i say is wrong. i feel like i'm hiding. when i answer the phone and it's him, i'm not eager to tell him about my whole day, i just want to not make him mad. that's a horrible goal for a relationship. especially because it's one i'm so bad at reaching. anyway, i just wonder about it. i wonder if we will both laugh at ourselves later and how foolish we were to ever think this would work. and i don't know why i'm so afraid of that. i just wish he cared more about me. not cared about the ways i affect him, but just cared about me. i don't feel like he does sometimes. but sometimes i don't care about him beyond how he affects me, so i guess it's even. i hope he realizes it, though. i don't know why i post this stuff on the internet for no one to read.
today i worked three and a half hours longer than i was originally scheduled. tomorrow i'm sleeping in. so there.
* posted by claire * 10:58 PM
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