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Thursday, April 15, 2004
i am wrong to feel the way i do. my emotions are illogical and i should simply stop having them.
okay, so i want him to want to read my website. i write things that are important to me, and some things that aren't. i guess i just don't understand. if it's a matter of not wanting to be obsessive about it, i get it. but it totally doesn't come off that way. i am never satisfied with his answers. it's a STUPID LITTLE THING. i recognize that. but every once in awhile it comes up again and it bugs me. i WANT him to want to read it. is that so wrong? if he had a place he was posting on the internet, i would read it. he says he's so busy, but he allows himself to spend a lot of time on that poster site he likes. he talks about having nothing to do at school sometimes. i just don't get it.
being busy is NOT a good excuse. it isn't going to work.
i want him to clarify. i want him to be able to say "well, i just don't want it to be an obsessive thing. it's not that i don't think about it or that i'm not interested in what you write, it's that it's unhealthy for me to be wondering all the time about you."
even that... i mean FUCK.
it is a fact: i would check his site all the time if he had one. it's because i'm INTERESTED in him. i want to see the work he does for school and the things he creates on his own time. i want to look at the doodles in his notebooks and read the comments on the back of his assignments. i want to know what crumpled up poetry shards are in his trash can.
he is NOT passionate about me. i want to devour everything he creates. i want to see deep inside his head.
he doesn't want to KNOW me.
i want him to want to know me. i want him to want to read everything i write. see every doodle i make.
i DON'T understand.
FUCK
he doesn't let me see him and doesn't want to see me.
this will never work.
* posted by claire * 4:38 PM
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