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Wednesday, December 17, 2003
You have gotten to the ugly layer of me. If you give up on me now, I don't know what I'll do. If you throw my heart back at me as soon as you see what it's really like, I don't know if I can ever recover. I have told you that I'm a mess. You have seen me be ugly before. I thought I could count on you to see past how I am to how God created me to be. I thought you cared for me enough to help me through the gross layer of flesh that separates me from my potential. I don't want to hurt you. I know I do anyway. But the things I said about Aaron in that post, however unfortunate it is that you read them, are mostly true. I did not say that he was at all better than you. He is not better than you. And he certainly is not better for ME than you. But he made me feel like I was something special. You have too, but I still feel highly replaceable in your life. I feel like the things tying you to me are the comfort, patterns and history of our relationship. Whenever I am not in your life in as constant away, you seem to be fine anyway. When I was in Italy, you turned to Joa and Emily, and even though I needed you, you weren't there for me. This semester, it was easy for you to turn to Abby and Brooke. I was looking through old emails, and you did complement me often, but there are lots of emails where you say something about Abby being cool, or Serina being a lot nicer since graduation, or Ella being hot, and mention nothing about me. I feel so petty and selfish. But that stuff still hurts me. I really want to know that there are qualities in me that attract you to me, that there is something particular about me that makes me not replaceable. That if we did end up breaking up, you would miss something about me. I feel like you can talk to any number of other people about things in your life and don't need me for that. I feel like you have more fun when I'm not around sometimes. I feel like the only things that stand out about me to you are the things that are wrong with me. If that is the case, if when you look at me (the whole me, not just the crap from this semester), all you see is some sort of good things in general and then some really specific bad things, I don't want to guilt you into staying with me. But Micah, more than that, I want desperately for you to know me deeply and love me. That is nothing that I deserve. Don't leave because you think I see you as less than Aaron. If I did, I had many chances to be with him instead. I couldn't do it. I tried and failed to care about him like I care about you.
* posted by claire * 1:48 PM
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