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Monday, December 15, 2003
i painted my nails earlier this week. i picked out my dress. i plotted my potluck contribution. but i just need some time. it is too soon to see them together. so i put my dress away, quieted visions of beautiful hair, and let my nails chip to ugliness.
i think there are two worst parts of this: one is that my perception of him has remained constant throughout our rollercoaster relationship. i have always found him attractive, intelligent, worthy of respect, and remarkably understanding. he believed in me more than anyone else ever has. he thought i was really something special, something fantastic. but i know that he won't think that anymore. his eyes are opened even more to my insanity, to how incredibly unworthy i was of his affections. and i know it's true. he thought much more of me than i ever was. but i cannot see in my future anyone who will be in awe of me in the same way, and however unworthy i am of that honor, however unrealistic that picture of me is, my taste buds were whetted and somehow i will always ache for the utmost approval. the second is how much my relationship with her will suffer. it is not what i want. we will always be friends, i don't doubt that, but i don't know if i'll ever really be able to share in her joy in this. i do from a distance. but from up close... and i know they will have support from everyone else. i alone will be the stickler. the one who tries to trample their excitement. the party-pooper. and oh, how i don't want that. i just don't know how to handle this. but though i know my biggest fan, whom i discarded- consciously, although not carelessly- now will probably comfort another because of how i make her feel. and i don't want to make her feel bad. it just hurts. hurt hurt hurt hurt. i REALLY need to go home.
* posted by claire * 6:49 PM
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