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Tuesday, December 16, 2003
i hate my life today
the bitter remnants of sin in me are glaring
i am a waste of space
a ball of twitching nerves and ripping sinews
and i continue to perfect my detachment mechanism
micah is giving up on me
and i don't know what to do
so i make it not about me
i shift to third person
how am i so confused
how am i such a mess
and i know that even saying that i'm a mess makes me more a mess
i'm overdramatic
i am selfish and petty
i am impulsive and manipulative in recovery
I WAS NOT MADE TO BE THIS WAY
I HAVE CHOSEN TO BE THIS WAY
I AM A SLAVE TO MY OWN SELFISHNESS
how, how, how do i get away? how do i make it better?
some days, i'm fine. sometimes i think that i have made a positive impact.
sometimes, people tell me they appreciate me and i encourage them.
i believe them when they tell me that.
but i must give credit where credit is due.
i do not love people unconditionally under my own power.
the only good in me comes from God. outside of that, i am a waste of space.
but with him, despite my constant failing, i can still triumph.
i will not be perfect, but MORE GLORY to the one it is owed
i really don't want micah to give up on me.
because i know my sin would be what drove him away, not us recognizing God's will in a positive way.
i need to go home.
* posted by claire * 8:04 AM
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