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Thursday, December 11, 2003
i feel painfully unnecessary today. no one i have really cared deeply about since i moved here really benefits from my presence. i went to a movie today with my freshman/sophomore year roommate and her best friend. jill has a way of making me feel stupid and not a part of things that few people can match. i don't know how she does it, really, and i don't know if it's really on purpose, but it leaves me uncomfortable and wanting to leave. i miss when she let me be on her inside track. i feel totally separate from her now. she certainly doesn't need me anymore. and leah was my first non-roommate good girlfriend. for the first part of this semester we hung out a lot. although i know she doesn't let me in on every corner of her life, i felt like i was gaining footholds. she is way too nice to me sometimes, and i can't repay most of her favors, as they involve vehicle ownership, which i unfortunately am still far from. and aaron made himself vulnerable to me. i appeared at a very critical point in his life offering advice, a listening ear, and friendship. it grew to more than that almost seamlessly. and as i struggled through my deep attraction to him, while still loving micah with nearly my whole heart, i hurt him more deeply than i have ever hurt anyone. i knew that to deny the romantic side of our relationship meant sacrificing our friendship as well. it makes me feel like he never really cared about me for me. it was more what our relationship would be like as more than friends that really meant something to him. ouch ouch ouch. and now i walk into his bedroom to bring the freshly baked banana bread i owed him, and there she was. and somehow, despite a hundred times before of natural progressions, i felt remarkably like a third wheel for the second time today. it's not fair. now i can't talk to either of them. and the only ones left are steph, who relates a thousand stories from her picture perfect relationship with the most fantastic boy who's ever existed, and maria, who fails to wash her dishes for weeks at a time and is not capable of the vulnerability required to ever apologize for anything, or to ever really say thank you. she is self-absorbed. and i was today. a self-absorbed, self-aware UNNECESSITY. no one cared what i was doing tonight. no one wondered where i was. no one wished i was with them. FINE, THEN. i don't have to miss them either, but it's hard to stop. i miss micah, who i'm still dreadfully unsure about, and i miss lisa and abby, who are both open and both understand. every inch of my skin itches. my head hurts, starting at my eyes and spreading across the inside of my skull. my stomach demands that i never eat a whole box of milk duds again. and my leg muscles are sore from the 14 degree day i just made them walk through. i'm tired and hurt and have no one to tell.
* posted by claire * 10:22 PM
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