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Monday, May 12, 2003
It seems so strange again. I thought I was in good shape for once when I first got back. But feelings sneak up when you least expect them. And now I find myself with bonds tightening to people I thought I’d let go of completely. What am I doing here? Answer: keeping them all strung along because I can’t bear to have these parts of my heart taken away. I have not had to learn to let go completely because no one I have really loved has ever let go of me completely.
And all I want to do is let you kiss me
I know I could make everything alright
I weep for how I’ve broken you
And stare dry-eyed after what I’ve lost
I was faced with a choice and made it
Not so stoically as it seemed
But it kills me now to feel you slip away
You aren’t mine anymore
Maybe you never were
As much as I know I can’t want you
It would never have worked out
Sitting across the car from you is torture
And you’ve no idea what’s in my head
I sat in the crowd listening to you sing about me and wanted to bolt. And wanted to be a part of your healing. But how can I nurse you back to health when all along, your ailment was me? I saw someone who reminded me of you with his hand resting on the back of the one he loves. How can I let you love again when that means you’ve stopped loving me for good? I want to keep you. I want to keep you all. I make it hard enough to get away, don’t I? Micah still has hope. You were my first real love. I will keep Nate teetering on the edge so he isn’t brave enough to ruin it by saying anything. But who am I kidding? No one. I am a vile excuse for a human being. Your attention is so addicting. So scintillating. So everything I want. Please don’t pull back, I can’t bear it. I… I… I feel I have too many escape routes. There is no fear of being alone in my world. No dead ends right now. I have convinced you all to see a part of me that is impossible to push away. Perfect me. Perfect, perfect me. I’M NOT PERFECT! My heart is tainted with selfish manipulation. I am so unworthy. Please don’t go. Please, please don’t go. Without you, I would collapse. Flat on my face in my loss. I cannot be left. I cannot be left. I am invincible. I have to always win and my victims must remain on my back burner begging for more. Beg for more. Somehow the passage of time brought me back to the things about you that reeled me in at the beginning. I am wretched. I can’t want you. I refuse to want you. But don’t dare to move on yet. I am not ready for you to move on yet. I don’t even remember how to talk to you. It is so thrilling to know that you still care. Mmm… nice floating sensation.
This is really quite sick. I am really quite sick. And I can't tell anyone but the vast faceless world of the internet. Maybe I should start writing on bathroom stall doors like everyone did in middle school. I am anonymous. I can say what I want.
* posted by claire * 3:08 PM
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