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Thursday, May 22, 2003
i'm not happy with my body unless he's touching it RIGHT NOW
the moment i walk away, some of the potency is lost
an hour later i easily regard my reflection wtih no memory of how he looks at me
all i have left is disgust at the uneven skin
the hips he compliments are suddenly far too wide
my belly is... well, it's existant now, whereas through high school my fast food consumption seemed to have no effect
sometimes even when he is with me, i feel ugly
it's like i'm desperate for something to redeem my physical failures and when i realize he can't, i just push him away
physical touch becomes the center of my world so easily
it's like my instinct takes control of my brain and suddenly i'll do anything to get what i want
but tonight i wanted to be different
i asked "why me" and he didn't have an answer
"she's pretty, nice, we get along" "there's something different when i look at you" "for some crazy reason she likes me back"
i am so afraid this will fall apart
this is the kind of mood that someday will make me say no to sex
don't touch me, i'm disgusting
you only like me because i like you
and i hate that
get away
you don't love me, you only think you do. it's just girls, not me.
sometimes i look at him and he's a total stranger.
total strangers aren't allowed to touch me like that.
* posted by claire * 9:08 AM
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